by Russell Friedman & John W. James of The Grief Recovery Institute

We have all been educated on how to acquire things. We have been taught how to get an education, get a job, buy a house, etc. There are colleges, universities, trade schools, and technical schools. You can take courses in virtually anything that might interest you.

What education do we receive about dealing with loss? What school do you go to learn to deal with the conflicting feelings caused by significant emotional loss? Loss is so much more predictable and inevitable than gain, and yet we are woefully ill-prepared to deal with loss.

One of the most damaging killer clichés about loss is “time heals all wounds.” When we present open lectures on the subject of Grief Recovery®, we often ask if anyone is still feeling pain, isolation, or loneliness as the result of the death of a loved one 20 or more years ago. There are always several hands raised in response to that question. Then we gently ask, “if time is going to heal, then 20 years still isn’t enough?”

While recovery from loss does take some time, it need not take as much time as you have been led to believe. Recovery is totally individual, there is no absolute time frame. Sometimes in an attempt to conform to other people’s time frames, we do ourselves great harm. This idea leads us to another of the killer clichés, “you should be over it by now.”

It is bad enough that well-meaning, well intentioned friends attack us with killer clichés, but then we start picking on ourselves. We start believing that we are defective or somehow deficient because we haven’t recovered yet.

If we take just the two killer clichés we’ve mentioned so far, we can see that they have something in common. They both imply that a non-action will have some therapeutic or recovery value. That by waiting, and letting some time pass, we will heal. Let’s add a third cliché to the batch, “you have to keep busy.” Many grievers follow this incorrect advice and work two or three jobs. They fill their time with endless tasks and chores. At the end of any given day, asked how they feel, invariably they report that their heart still feels broken; that all they accomplished by staying busy was to get exhausted.

Now, with only three basic killer clichés we can severely limit and restrict our ability to participate in effective recovery. It is not only that people around us tell us these clichés, in an attempt to help, but we ourselves learned and practiced these false beliefs for most of our lives. It is time for us to learn some new and helpful beliefs to assist us in grieving and completing relationships that have ended or changed.

QUESTION: I have heard that it takes 2 years to “get over” the death of a loved one; 5 years to “get over” the death of a parent; and you never “get over” the death of a child.
Is this true?
ANSWER: Part of the problem is the phrase “get over.” It is more accurate to say that you would never forget a child who had died, anymore than you would ever forget a parent or a loved one. Another part of the problem is one of those killer clichés we talked about, that time, of itself, is a recovery action. Although recovery from loss does take some time, it is the actions within time that lead to successful recovery.

The primary goal of Grief Recovery^® is to help you “grieve and complete” relationships that have ended or changed. Successful Grief Recovery^® allows you to have fond memories not turn painful and helps you retake a happy and productive place in your own life. In addition, you regain the ability to begin new relationships, rather than attempting to replace or avoid past relationships.

Are There Actual Stages of Grieving?

by Russell Friedman & John W. James of The Grief Recovery Institute

Many years ago Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book entitled On Death and Dying. The book identified five stages that a dying person goes through when they are told that they have a terminal illness. Those stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For many years, in the absence of any other helpful material, well-meaning people incorrectly assigned those same stages to the grief that follows a death or loss. Although a griever might experience some or all of those feeling stages, it is not a correct or helpful basis for dealing with the conflicting feelings caused by loss. We hesitate to name stages for grief. It is our experience that given ideas on how to respond, grievers will cater their feelings to the ideas presented to them. After all, a griever is often in a very suggestible condition; dazed, numb, walking in quicksand. It is often suggested to grievers that they are in denial. In all of our years of experience, working with tens of thousands of grievers, we have rarely met anyone in denial that a loss has occurred. They say “since my mom died, I have had a hard time.” There is no denial in that comment. There is a very clear acknowledgment that there has been a death. If we start with an incorrect premise, we are probably going to wind up very far away from the truth.

What about anger? Often when a death has occurred there is no anger at all. For example, my aged grandmother with whom I had a wonderful relationship got ill and died. Blessedly, it happened pretty quickly, so she did not suffer very much. I am pleased about that. Fortunately, I had just spent some time with her and we had reminisced and had told each other how much we cared about each other. I am very happy about that. There was a funeral ceremony that created a truly accurate memory picture of her, and many people came and talked about her. I loved that. At the funeral a helpful friend reminded me to say any last things to her and then say goodbye, and I did, and I’m glad. I notice from time to time that I am sad when I think of her or when I am reminded of her. And I notice, particularly around the holidays, that I miss her. And I am aware that I have this wonderful memory of my relationship with this incredible woman who was my grandma, and I miss her. And, I am not angry.

Although that is a true story about grandma, it could be a different story and create different feelings. If I had not been able to get to see her and talk to her before she died, I might have been angry at the circumstances that prevented that. If she and I had not gotten along so well, I might have been angry that she died before we had a chance to repair any damage. If those things were true, I would definitely need to include the sense of anger that would attend the communication of any unfinished emotional business, so I could say goodbye.

Unresolved grief is almost always about undelivered communications of an emotional nature. There are a whole host of feelings that may be attached to those unsaid things. Happiness, sadness, love, fear, anger, relief, compassion, are just some of the feelings that a griever might experience. We do not need to categorize, analyze, or explain those feelings. We do need to learn how to communicate them and then say goodbye to the relationship that has ended.

It is most important to understand that there are no absolutes. There are no definitive stages or time zones for grieving. It is usually helpful to attach feeling value to the undelivered communications that keep you incomplete. Attaching feelings does not have to be histrionic or dramatic, it does not even require tears. It merely needs to be heartfelt, sincere and honest.

Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. Grief is emotional, not intellectual. Rather than defining stages of grief which could easily confuse a griever, we prefer to help each griever find their own truthful expression of the thoughts and feelings that may be keeping them from participating in their own lives. We all bring different and varying beliefs to the losses that occur in our lives, therefore we will each perceive and feel differently about each loss.

QUESTION: Is there some confusion between anger and fear as they relate to the Grief Recovery”" process?
ANSWER: A primary feeling response to loss is fear. “How will I get along without him/her?” Anger is one of the most common ways we express our fear. Our society taught us to be afraid of our sad feelings, it also taught us to be afraid of being afraid. We are willing to say “I am angry,” but we say “it was scary.” It is possible to create an illusion of completion by focusing on the expression of anger. Usually anger is not the only undelivered feeling relating to unresolved grief.

© 2002 Russell P. Friedman, John W. James and The Grief Recovery Institute.
All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.

You could say, I am that conduit for people to have and choose freedom!

People have chosen to be non-smokers, release weight, substantially reduce their fears and phobias, stop biting their nails, lowered their blood pressure, relieved pain and managed their stress.  I offered workshops for people participating in Dr. Phil’s Weight Loss Challenge, The Great American Smoke-Out, and has taken part in several DASH (Domestic Assault Stops Here) programs. Ellie was one of the first certified Forensics Hypnotists in NC certified by IMDHA.

With EFT one little girl that was “terrified” of animals for seven years left my office and went straight to buy a puppy. (Rumor has it a kitten is next). Her parents were astounded!

I offer an EFT introductory workshop every month. I have ongoing smoking cessation workshops, I am doing smoking cessation programs for the employees of Alamance Regional Hospital and is in the Employee Service Directory for Moses H. Cone Hospital.

My presentations are heart filled.  I am present to the participants needs and am filled with humor and insight.  I love to laugh and my laser sharp intuition helps me identify and reframe quickly.  I truly believe those who need my services are divinely sent to me. Is it you?

Grief Recovery Individual (7 Private Sessions, no refunds for unattended sessions): $475.00

Grief Recovery Group Rate (no refunds for unattended sessions): $249.00 per person

Smoking Cessation (3 sessions, no refunds for unattended sessions): $300.00

Weight Management (4 sessions, no refunds for unattended sessions): $330.00

One hour Skype Session   $100 (Must be paid and confirmed before session can begin)

Grief Recovery®

One of the least acknowledged and least addressed concerns in our society is GRIEF; the normal and natural reaction to loss.

Whether your loss is from:

• Death of a loved one • Divorce or end of a relationship

• Loss of career • Loss of a substance dependency • Loss of trust

• Loss of dreams • Loss of security • Loss of health

Grief will continue to affect our lives and the lives of those around us adversely when we are forced to accept the many MYTHS ABOUT GRIEF:

• Time heals all wounds

• Replace the loss

• Grieve alone

• Be strong for others

• Bury your feelings

The Outreach program will guide those who wish to resolve their loss issues and move beyond their grief to a richer quality of life. As a result of participating in this program your life may become more enriched, more alive and more

fulfilled than ever before. This 12-week program will be conducted by Ellie McFalls, MCHt., Certified Grief  Recovery® Specialist. The program is affiliated with and endorsed by The Grief Recovery Institute. This format has been developed by Russell P. Friedman, Executive Director, and John W. James, Founder of the Grief Recovery Institute, and authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook—The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce and Other Losses.

 Dates are listed below and classes are $249.00 per person.  Select the payment option next to the class to register.

• Tuesdays, 6:30PM – 8:30PM beginning May 10th 

  Quantity:

• Wednesdays, 6:30PM – 8:30PM beginning May 11th 

  Quantity:

• Thursdays 10:00AM – 12:00PM beginning May 12th 

  Quantity:

• download the Official Flyer (pdf)

Hypnotic suggestions bypass the intellectual mind, called the conscious – what you are aware of thinking and doing, and zero in on the subconscious, the subprocesssor of the brain that whirls away whether we realize it or not. The International Medical and Dental Hypnotherapy Association defines hypnosis as a process during which

“the body and conscious mind are in a relaxed neutral state while the subconscious mind remains awake and receptive to suggestion. Hypnosis is an education-communication process to a person’s mind that allows his/her conscious and subconscious minds to believe the same message.”

When given a new suggestion that is within the bounds of a person’s belief system and moral orientation, the subconscious mind accepts it literally as a new reality. It’s important to note that the subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality. These decisions affect everyday life in remarkable ways. Illnesses can be made real. Relationships can be destroyed. Diets can be sabotaged.

For example: When one takes on “losing weight’, the message that the subconscious processes is to “lose” weight. We’ve been previously programmed “not to lose” and the first thing our mind will try to do is FIND it!

(Ever lose your keys? Don’t you immediately look for them? Don’t you sometimes make a spare set in case you lose them again?)

This is the same procedure our mind uses to “lose weight”. It makes all efforts to find the weight lost and gives you more to make sure you’ll never lose it again!

The same with smoking. Haven’t we been told as child to NEVER BE A QUITTER? When our mind hears we are going to “quit smoking” it gives us cravings to make sure we never do it! It is only when we “become a non-smoker, or become thin and trim”" that our mind takes an easier path. Can you remember when you were little and you wanted to “become” like someone that you admired? Your mind takes the same path. It then becomes easier and excited to achieve without having to lose or quit anything! It kind of tricks the mind, so to speak.

Hypnotherapy’s effectiveness lies in this complex connection between the mind and the body. It’s well understood today that illness can affect your emotional state and conversely, that your emotional state can affect your physical state. Two examples: stress, an emotional reaction, can make heart disease worse and a heart disease, a physical condition, can cause depression (i.e. imagine that one is sick and suddenly the pain is very, very real).

Hypnosis carries this “mind/body” connection to the next logical step by using the power of the mind to bring about change in the body. For example, I recently had this client who came in with a bad lower backache. Knowing that an emotional issue causing stress around lower back pain could be associated with “fear of not being financially supported”, I asked her if that was true for her in her life.

She worked for a firm that had been financially struggling and they haven’t been able to pay her for weeks and she felt “taken advantage of”. When she stored the stressful emotion of “feeling taking advantage of”, it became stored in her lower back. Emotional pain had become real pain. When we did some re-framing around the event and she saw/believed it in a different light, her backache subsided. A positive change in her attitude resulted in a positive change in her physical being. The remarkable event that happened was the moment she gave up the suffering around the issue associated with her backache, her phone rang and it was an offer for another job!

Hypnotherapy does come with a few caveats. It cannot change what you are not consciously wanting to change. You have to be willing for the change to take place. It can not be used against your will. It is, however, another tool to transform your life. It’s a way to “Retrain Your Brain”!

EVER TRY TO STOP SMOKING? Again, we as children were taught not to be a quitter or to ever stop. Remember when you were a child and you wanted to ride a bicycle? (or whatever it was for you.) Your life became all about riding that bicycle, and quitting was not an option. You were fully engaged in BECOMING a bicycle rider. Now, in direct contrast to your “no-quitting” training, you find yourself wanting to QUIT smoking, and thus the struggle begins.

Now, what if you were to BECOME SLIM AND TRIM or BECOME A NON-SMOKER? Now you can achieve this goal with a more familiar vigor. It’s no longer about losing or quitting something, but BECOMING something.

We specialize in these solutions and more: Smoking Cessation, Fears/Phobias, Confidence, Pain Management, IBS, Relaxation, Medical/Dental Procedures, Stress, Nail Biting, Bed Wetting, Test Taking, Fibromyalgia, ADD/ADHD, Self Hypnosis, Grief Management, Body/Mind Healing, Weight Management, and Forensic Hypnosis.